She's Too Young...for made for television movies

She's Too Young (Lifetime Original, 2004)




Oh, dear. Where to start? Tom McLoughlin, who helmed one of the better "Friday" movies, takes on an even scarier subject than Jason Vorhees - the modern teenager! Or rather, the idea of teenagers, as penned by an amazingly out-of-touch middle-aged white guy: Richard Kletter, who teaches at the USC School of Cinematic arts. What does he teach? SCREENWRITING! Yes, you too can learn how to shove dialogue into your characters' mouths that's so unwieldy, they'll choke on it! Immortal lines like "Hey guess what guys I have Syphilis." Don't worry, we'll get to that shortly.

Our little journey into TV movie Hell begins by explaining that everything we are about to witness is fictional and bears no resemblance to reality whatsoever. Well, at least they can admit it. We're treated to a montage of tweens looking in mirrors, making themselves "pretty," which is inter cut with shots of magazine models and "sexy" imagery, all set to an annoyingly sugary pop song. We meet our cliched "permissive mom," who says things like "Hey girlfriend!" to her 14 year old daughter. Archetypes are quickly established - there's our sweet girl, our slut, their bumbling parental units, and the scuzzy older boy I like to refer to as...wait a minute, MARK SNOW? Mark Snow, the composer from The X-Files? He did the music for this? THAT'S AWESOME! I bet it'll be good.

Where was I? Oh, yeah. "Patient Zero," AKA Nick. He's the guy that every girl wants to be with...and he's been with them all. Not five minutes into this crap, the following exchange takes place.

Becca: "Where's the glove?"
Nick: "Uh, damn, I forgot. I could go out and get one and you could do like, English homework while I'm gone."
Becca: *Takes off pants*

I love these characters! Marcia Gay Harden plays the good girl's mom. We're supposed to view her as overbearing, overprotective, and intrusive, when in fact she only behaves as any reasonable parent in this situation would. It's the situation itself that is unbelievable, as we move from an early '90s after-school special straight into a horror film. All of a sudden, we're in the middle of freaking "Outbreak," as Nick spreads Syphilis to damn near every girl in the school. This begins to come clear when Hannah, our cello playing shy girl, starts to date Nick, and her friend Becca makes a trip to the school nurse. Will Becca warn Hannah about her cankers? The suspense is killing me.

Time and time again this movie beats its points into us like a sledgehammer. If you speak to your daughter, she'll rebel. If you ignore your daughter, she'll rebel. If you have unprotected sex, Nick will give you the Syph. Ah, make up your mind! Nick finally bullies our sweet Hannah into going down on him, as we all know that oral sex isn't real sex, right? Oh, but it is, and the parents in this movie are going to inform you of it at least 27 times. I may have head trauma from the sheer blunt force of the message.

So, Becca finally comes clean to her friends during a joint-babysitting session ("Hey guess what guys, I have Syphilis!"), but it's too little too late. Our heroine realizes what a skag Nick is when he tries to pressure her into a three-way with one of his (fully fleshed out, complicated and realistic) friends. She mopes around for awhile, and we're treated to some more of Marcia Gay Harden's suspicious glances.

The school begins a treatment plan for the infected kids, though most are too embarrassed to come forward (You slept with Nick? Eeeeeeeew). Of course, none of the boys take any notice, and continue to spread disease amongst the population...this is seriously on par with "The Hot Zone," or any number of contagion-based films. There's even a map with pins in it, showing how it could become an epidemic. Awesome! Family drama ensues amongst the principal players when the school sends home "a letter," and parents begin to put two and two together.

Then, we finally get a sequence I approve of - Hannah looks up Syphilis on America Online, and we're treated to a brief montage of diseased bodies set to the music of Bach. Throw away the rest of this movie, and show kids two hours of THAT footage. Shit, according to the movie, everything is gonna be okay, as soon as you get the vaccine (I'm pretty sure syphilis is bacterial? Wuh?)! In fact, there are never any consequences for any of your actions, because all you have to do is get a shot! Don't worry about pregnancy (there's a shot for that) or AIDS (there's a shot for that) or any other consequence unprotected sex could bring (because there's a shot for that). Did they forget we've just been bashed about the head for two hours with the DON'T HAVE SEX message? Because, seriously, it's almost like at the end, they turn around and say "Oh, that stuff? That stuff we were telling you? Nevermind...there's a shot for that."

But don't worry...there's more! After the hoopla at school, the girls get together to discuss sex ("I'm a 14 year old sexpert!") and get blitzed off a single wine cooler. The "permissive mom" catches them, and Hannah is berated by her father in a scene where he finally does something besides sit in the background and look dumb. Marcia Gay Harden, having had enough, begins an information campaign (more like a crusade) to get all the parents on the same page. This portion is actually watchable, as we come up against all the cliched grown-ups that want to enforce abstinence and turn a blind eye to their children's' realities. Most Lifetime Original productions feature these types of characters, but they've always lacked a Marcia Gay Harden shrieking in their faces. The town's population is so upset with her meddling that, I shit you not, there is actually a scene where a bunch of teens try to run Hannah and her mom off the road! I love this movie.

While our hero-mom is finally getting through to some of the sheep-like adults, the various kids make their way to a party. A party where all the boys sit around watching porn (wait...what?!?) Hannah is visiting her gay friend (did I not mention him? Oh, yeah, he likes her for her, or something. Except that he's gay), and she tries to get in his pants. That's what boys want, right? He spurns her advances, being gay and all, and she runs off in shame...to the party. Why? Why not just go home? Your mom is out looking for you, she's not there. Every time you leave your room your life becomes a giant clusterfuck. GO HOME! Ugh.

So, there's this typical teenage party, right? The one with a bunch of people watching a live sex show in the living room? One of Nick's friends tries to rape Hannah, Nick looks shocked but does nothing, and the gay friend shows up just in time to save her...with his cell phone. Attempted rape of a 14 year old? I love this movie! Becca (or is it Dawn? I can't tell them apart) starts to reconnect with her immature mother, while upstairs her little sister goes through her slutty clothes and inspects herself in the mirror, echoing the opening sequence. Set-up for a sequel? Hannah gets tucked into bed by her mother, because everything is okay now.

The End.

Did Tom McLoughlin have a stroke before filming this? The first ten minutes has enough swish pans, quick cuts, and blurry MTV-style editing to make a jet pilot nauseous. The music is a terrible mash of pop and rap songs with lyrics that spell out exactly what is happening on screen, while the one piece of original music sounds like one of those preset demos on a Casio keyboard (way to go, Mark Snow). The acting is so overwrought I want to force Valium on half the cast, and the words coming out of their mouths are so unrealistic that we've lapped "laughable" and gone all the way around to "terrifying." What is the message we're supposed to take away from this? Sex is bad? But there's a shot for that? And after you're cured, Brad will rape you? What the hell was I supposed to learn from this hot mess?

I'll let Patient Zero have the last word. On Nick and Hannah's first date, he takes her home to watch a movie.

Nick (watching from the couch): "This is really bad."

Yes, Nick. It really, really is.