Cool as Ice? WORD!

Sniggleplatz has been on my back about this movie for what seems like months now.  It has sat, languishing on the shelf on the entertainment center, for longer than that.

I'm talking about Cool as Ice.

Aw yeah!

This is a film that you really can't just sit down and pop in.  It requires preparation.  To meet the requirements for viewing, I spent an afternoon at the skating rink, then drank a case of Bartles & Jaymes, and spent an hour teasing my hair.

I was READY.  I OWNED 1991.  BRING IT!

The movie opens with some sort of random dance scene in what looks like an old shipping/receiving department.  I suppose that the only reason the scene exists is to establish, beyond a reasonable doubt, that Vanilla Ice is the SHIT.

Having made that abundantly clear, the "posse" heads out on their zippy little motorcycles, headed for someplace else.  I'm not sure where they were going, because I was having trouble opening up the last wine cooler, so I might have missed something.


Johnny (I can't think of him like this though, everytime he steps into the frame I see Vanilla Ice, he simply cannot inhabit a character) takes a few moments to endanger the life of a horse and its rider by bunny hopping his bike over a fence.  What the hell?  He has mad bike skillz yo.


So his posse gets stuck in some tiny town, and he hits on some chick, and what passes for a plot drones on, with frequent pauses for Vanilla to clench his jaw and look at the camera with what passes for brooding in his stock of emotional displays.

I'm all emotional, yo!

Lets go ahead and establish that we know we will be hearing a whole truckload of Vanilla Ice songs, why don't we?  The only problem with that is, Vanilla Ice, while a mediocre rapper, is a HORRIBLE singer.  This causes the movie to drag on and on while they set up these ridiculous scenarios where he will be near a microphone.

Forget the plot though, and lets talk about the wardrobe!  Remember when we are talking about here, 1991, and still this stuff is out of control.  The whole movie looks like the power rangers exploded all over it, leaving behind a trail of neon and bad hair.  Vanilla's seem to stand out the worst, because he is in front of the camera so much.  I suppose it is supposed to illustrate the differences between 'nilla and his posse versus the stuffy, stuck up townspeople, but it just makes them look stupid.  And seizure inducing.

Don't diss mah peeps!

I read somewhere that the movie was supposed to be a reimagining of Rebel Without a Cause, but I really don't care.  It says a lot that I don't care, because when I was younger, and this movie came out, I was a HUGE Vanilla Ice fan.  We had choreographed routines for "Ice Ice Baby" on the playground.  I couldn't get enough of him (I can't believe I am admitting that), but I HATED this movie.

At the end of the day, the movie is really nothing more than a promotional vehicle for Vanilla Ice (the man, the myth, the music).  I can't imagine ANYONE during preproduction thinking this was going to be a "for serious" film.  At least I hope not.  The last ten minutes of the movie consists of Mr. Ice in some sort of Two Face suit, rapping about something, I'm not sure what, because by this time, I was sideways on the couch with tears leaking out of my eyes.

WTF?

I'm going to leave you with one last dose of holy hell, just because I can, and because this movie is something you have to pass on before it eats through your skull and comes leaking down over your face.


Enjoy!